I believe...

My Turn

...that if I was a survivor of the VT Shooting Spree, neither I nor my children would return to campus... unless it was to serve papers for the wrongful death/ emotional distress/ negligence lawsuit, after which, Norris Hall would be razed and the school would be renamed "The Creola Atchison School for Black Women"

...that the Terminix commercials with the talking walls are creepy

...that soon I will have to write my complaint letter to Corporate at CVS. I will attach a copy of NYS' Attorney General's public accomodations lawsuit against Macy's for racial discrimination. Ive never seen so many inbred unwashed white people try to protect something they dont own, until I started shopping regularly at CVS

...that the proposed toll, oh 'scuse me, "CongestionPricing" to enter Manhattan, to cut down on traffic and emissions will never happen. Im still pissed off about paying the $4.50 toll to cross the Triboro

...that you should keep your toddler in the stands with you during a football game at Colorado State

...that if you give out your cell number on YouTube as Dial-A-Friend, be sure to tell folk to call during the off-peak. There are a lot of lonely people out there and TMobile may not want to give you a payment plan

..that my ex needs stop posting all those half nekked pictures of himself on his MySpace page. For Gawd sake, Dude! Have a heart!

...that I will stop opening his page soon. Have to wean myself off

...that closeted Brothers looking for a beard think Im a good candidate because Im fat and really sweet (in the beginning) so they feel comfortable attempting to use me as a hide-behind.

...that when they find out that Im actually an intelligent, loud-mouthed b*tch who is horny as hell, they become confused and angry, clutch their pearls and run...

...that I need a T-Shirt that reads, "F*ck what you heard, Herb. Im from the South Bronx, I dont get down like that!"

...that the stale cigarette smoke I smell in my house all day and all night is an angry ghost

...that my shortness of breath and profuse sweating when I first wake up in the morning is neither asthma nor menopause, but anxiety

...that my reoccuring nightmare about a house full of sleeping people with me tired and no place for me to sleep, is about being awake and aware, while others are sleeping on it... or maybe, all the extraneous people who allow to take up space in my life.

...that by July 19th 11:00 am, I will perform the Great Wash Out, focusing on quality not quantity

...that afterwards my list of friends will be painfully small

...that it looks good, but when it grows back, it itches like hell... and you dont really want to be caught scratching 'down there,' do you?

...that ulcers work better than TrimSpa

...that soy milk yogurt with added l. acidophilus is the truth, but I still had to blend it with strawberries to get it to go down

...that my degrees arent worth the paper they are printed on, because my annual salary doesnt equal what I paid to get them.

...that, at this time, my degrees are collectively worth about $10, which is the resale value of the frame I bought for the second one at Restoration Hardware. The first one was professionally framed down on Worth Street. But after moving six times during law school, that frame is cracked and not worth much, like me

...that the only way to regain some dignity is to go for an MBA, or a Business LLM at a real school

...that as a Black woman, over thirty, with three college degrees, Id probably have sex once a decade, but on the plus side, I could afford nekked massages at the spa, lots of Petron and an unlimited supply of sex toys and Zane novels

...that maybe the answer is to burn my degrees and go to beauty school, since Chickenhead University graduates have lots of sex, men and children

...that Dave Chapelle should come back. After listening to Kramer and Imus, and seeing the DVD of the three Chapelle Show "LostEpisodes" on DVD I am convinced of Chapelle's genius even more

...that Im not lazy. Im just tired, angry and horny. But on the real? Im not willing to sacrifice one more thing. At this point, I really have nothing left to give

...that I wont be going to the family reunion this Summer. They dont need me to drive down, so Ill just plan the one for next year and focus on planning my birthday party this year. They wont miss me

...that I will have only one birthday party, at a club, in New York City... no more themed house parties for these ungrateful MFers up here. Some with no home training, raised in a f*cking barn, drunk high rude disrespectful screaming cursing gossiping and complaining. In the midst of all the drama, all my work and party planning went unnoticed. But that was the intended purpose wasnt it? They dont know any better. No one will miss it

...that I should sell everything, move to Paris, change my name and disappear. No one would miss me

...that God only gives you what He wants you to have. So you better find out what He wants and force yourself to love that, because you wont be getting anything outside of that, no matter how hard you work, no matter how strong the desire, no matter how much you fast, pray or believe, there are just some things you will never ever have