Skinny People

Now I know why my supervisor at work is so dizzy. She doesnt eat anything.

Im on South Beach-Phase I and Im all headachy and scatterbrained. Phase I is the first two weeks. No Carbs, no refined sugar, no dark(fatty) meat, no fruit or fruit juice. You eat till you're full. Three meals, two snacks a day. Phase II (in a couple weeks) reintroduces some high fiber carbs.

Dr. Agatston needs to rewrite his diet to include people who dont eat meat and dairy. This is a modified Atkins, so some of the recipes and snacks involve souffles and wrapping sliced cheese around deli meat. BLECH! Dont get me wrong, in real life (not on a diet), I LUUUUV pizza. But with my lactose-intolerant self, I know I can only have about one and half slices before 'the bubbly" starts up.

I dont eat red meat. Im a seafood, poultry kinda gurl. There are only so many ways you can cook seafood and poultry... without breading. And diet or no, I cant eat nasty (read: bland) food. When I bought the groceries for South Beach, I also bought oregano, hot sauce, adobo, etc... May be too much salt intake, but Ill drink extra water. Cant eat no nasty food!

But the best part of this "diet" time is not speaking to my mother. I used to call her everyday because I was afraid she was going to die. I stopped calling her because speaking to her was killing me. And she does not call me. Every positive conversation has some type of negative, anti-ChezNiki comment slipped in between the pages. Either that, or some comment about how all men, white people and/or professional people of any color, are inherently incompetent or evil. She's been saying this since we were children. Okay so, maybe this was some sort of psychological barrier against the intense sexism, racism and classism we would face as young Black girls from the South Bronx growing up in private school. But now, as a straight adult Black professional female in Boston, that sh*t is just not helpful. Men, whites and professionals have to be held accountable for their sexism, rascism and classism. Period. But more importantly I dont live in all-female, Black, chicken-head bubble. I have to interact with, date, f*ck, work with, ride the subway with and live with men, white people and professionals. F*ck! In some circles, Im considered a professional. I have to live with myself, dont I?!?! So that Mantra is no longer helpful (if it ever was), and I personally dont ever want to hear it again.

When I catch her on it, she responds automatically with that Aries-Bullsh*t, "I never said that! You're putting words in my mouth. All I said was..." and then she repeats the anti- male, white or success comment.

But the hardest part is her complete indifference to any success in my life. If I have a problem, it may hold her attention a little longer, but only long enough to blame me for my own problems and tell me she cant help me. This is all I have, my father is completely useless as a parent... or for anything else.

Yes, Im forty years old, but I still deserve parents. Self-parenting and self-determination just doesnt work when you need to know about a family health issue, or learn about a relative, or remember a foggy childhood memory more clearly.

Im an emotional eater. Not eating refined sugars cuts the carb cravings. Not dealing with my mother cuts the rage-eating cravings. It takes a LOT of emotional energy to maintain a relationship with her. When I dont, I find I have increased energy and patience for everything else.

Dunkin's Kahlua Coolatta (remember those?), Trail Mix and Cheezits have saved a lot of lives in Boston. They have kept me from committing assault and battery on many people in the past eight years. Unfortunately, it has contributed to my eighty pounds overweight. Ive lost a little over twenty pounds so far. Ill let yall know how it goes.

PEACE AND BLESSINGS!